How about two in one day?

First let me say I put up this lovely picture because I wanted to. You're welcome. Tasty.

Ok, back to business.

I believe I may have mentioned this before, but I am over paid and under worked. And let me tell you, it is a bitch, a royal fat thighed bitch. That said, I have done all the reading, calling anyone I know long distance for free, surfing porn sites, biting my toenails, laughing at your mama's I can do.

I need a break.

So, I think I will compile a list of all the VERY IMPORTANT shit I want.

Starting with the MOST important...

The bumpit. Um, can you say AWESOME? I know I can. Check it...

http://www.bighappiehair.com/

Or how about this? That's right, slabs of the suckers. I would also like free delivery. Roger.

http://www.granite-counter-tops.net/stone/granite-counter-tops-684.jpg

Or how about this? Who doesn't need some cheap, fake, Granny style qvc sconces? I know I sure do. I'll take four, contact me for my address. Kay?

http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.item.H07026.desc.CandleImpressions-S2-Melted-Wax-Flameless-WallSconces-wTimer

A dog JUST like this one. Well, just like this one but totally different. One that doesn't chew my Wal-Mart shoes, or poop on my new wood floors, or bark like a bat-shit crazy ahole.

http://www.i-love-dogs.com/software/Cute-Dog-Screensaver.jpg

That is really about all I can think of for now. Don't worry, if anything changes I will keep you posted.

This blog is dedicated to Bill Korn

Mr. William A. Korn,

I need to know if you are paying attention.

Love,
Me

P.S. Spread sheets are for losers like Mike.

It's Monday and as promised, I am pissed.

Clearly one would wonder how in the hell could I be so pissed considering I have only been awake for an hour or so.

Well, that's life, bitch. Sometimes we wake up ready to shank a fool, or sometimes a bitch will do something over the weekend that you promptly have to deal with AS SOON AS YOU WALK INTO YOUR SHIT-TAY job Monday morning. I'll let you take a guess which scenario got me to where I am right now (ready to shank a bitch, PAY ATTENTION!)

So, without mentioning names, (like it would matter, this zombie is cooked) I recently hired a girl, I MEAN GROWN ASS WOMAN, we will call her Raggie. She has been here for quite a while and has had some trouble mastering the easy tasks. Even with my black, black, heart I mustered some sympathy for her "situation." Without going into too much detail, she was going through a rough time and I thought maybe her mind was elsewhere. Not on the fantastical experience that is retail.

BUT, that said, what we do here is not rocket science or even elementary education for that matter. So, you would think for a person of her caliber (college graduate) this would be as easy as smoking the crack pipe, right? WRONG-O. WROOOOOOOOOOONG-O.

To make the longest months of my life short, I will give you the simple breakdown of the stupid shit I have to deal with on the daily, starting with the most recent...

-Broke the key off INSIDE the register. (this is what led me to this here blog)
Then proceeded to tell me the key "magically" broke off, she wasn't even touching it. Funny stuff, Raggie. You slay me.

-Refunds customers for items that they never even purchased, THEN manages to not actually refund them at all, but double charge them.

-Sets off the alarm to the building for no reason and cannot seem to figure out why the cops keep coming.

-Calls here and when I answer the phone asks "Is Raggie there?" Um, hello....YOU ARE RAGGIE! Raggie calling Raggie, what the hay kind of freaky charades is this? Where is your foil hat when you need it?

Oh I could go on, but do you really need to hear it? I think you get the point. And the sad thing is I like this girl/woman/head case, but my tolerance is running thin and I expect a major shit storm is a brewing on my end. And when my Mt. Vesuvius blows, that stuff is of the devil, it will burn your face right off. It will also cut off my own nose to spite my face, but people like me never care about those kind of consequences. We rumble on through and shoot ourselves in the head later.

Love and Kisses,
Me

Ahhh....Friday.

Yes, yes, y'all, it is finally Friday. I am reminded that I am a real person. A soft, kind, loving-the-weekend kind of bitch. I's got my wine and my gangsta lean, let the madness begin.

I say "madness" like that means I am off to act all wild and rock out with my vagina out. But in actuality I will do some cleaning, snuggle bunny the golden, and maybe read some historical fiction. Oh and Wife Swap is on tonight, I love these degenerates!! Oh the drama!! I know, I know.

So, I wish I had some angry, hateful tiddy bits for you on this fine Friday evening, but I cannot think of any. I love you.

Oh holy shit, did I just say that? Ok, I don't love you, but my head space is good, so I will not verbally assault you or dream about murdering you ten ways from Sunday until Monday. That's right, Monday.

Check back then, my heart will be good and black.

Love,
Me.

Mail order trannies and world travelers

I figure since everyone else is doing this, why can't I? Well, I CAN!

Watch. Me. Go.

I am not promising anything too interesting or witty or even worth a shit for that matter. But I have read other blogs and clearly substance isn't important.

Here is a little bit about me you need to know. Actually, you don't need to know, but I like order. I like a story with a beginning, a middle and an end. I am a virgo, this makes me uptight and anal. That birth sign also indicates that my "shit picking ways" make people hate me, but it also makes me an awesome leader.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh, that's right, I was saying here is some stuff you need to know about ME. I also have a habit of talking about many things at one time. I like dogs, red wine, "summer rock" (a.k.a cheesy jams from the 80's you have to roll up your window to listen to.) Like I was saying, here is some tiddy bits about me...

I manage a wanna be art gallery. We have your run of the mill trash. From resin Pieta's, to naked divas, slutty fairies, or peeing dogs, I sell all that is craptastic and made in China. My customer base consists of transvestites, gays dudes decorating their first Lincoln Park studio, hill critters spending their beer money for bloody demons, cat ladies, eastern block mail order brides, fat bitches and worthless whack jobs. I wish I could say I love this eclectic mix of product and people, but I don't. I hate them all, every last one of them, including the faux art.

I often find myself listening to some losers story of how they first fell in love with our inferior product line and I think to myself "How does your wife stand you?" Or "Would you scream if I stabbed you in the neck with this pen?" Or "I bet your 2 bedroom ranch looks FANTASTIC with all this shit piled on your ikea side tables." Or "What does this chuckleheads knob look like?" And on and on, I think you get my mindset. You're welcome.

So, your next question might be, why do you stay? Why do you work there? Let me break it down for you in simple terms.

I stay because I am lazy and no one holds me accountable for my lack of effort. They give me a paycheck, a key to the place, and let me hire all the losers I want. Who couldn't love that? I could probably get away with drinking a liter of booze on the daily and smoking some killer weed while on the job, but again, I am too lazy to even do that. So, instead I sit here with my impotent rage and type this "blog." Hoo-ray.

Enough about that. I also have a husband. I know you were thinking "Man, this is one lonely fat bitch sitting home alone blogging about her worthless life and impotent rage." OH HELL NO. I am married to a very tolerant (tolerant does not mean he is ugly, quite the contrary. Sexx-ay) man. That said, he is very hyper, a tad ocd and LOVES to enable people. Mainly me. I have a dog named Steven, we rescued his typical golden ass from the shelter. I know, I know, I am an angel of God. Anyways, I am getting away from the point. The point it this (waaaaait for it)... THERE IS NO POINT. But I will challenge any fool to a dog off ANY DAY. My dog is WITHOUT A DOUBT happier and just plain better than any mutt you call your own. Believe.

Ok, that is enough for tonight. I suppose the "right" thing to do would be to make sure my form and grammar and spelling and all that jazz is/are correct, but like I told you before, I am lazy. I was telling the truth. I also like to use these """"""""""""""""""""""""". Eat it.

Oh and disregard the title of this blog. I decided the trannies and world travelers story will have to wait for later. You cannot hear it all on the first date, let's keep it hot, raw, real, fake or whatever. Is it Trannies or Tranny's? Who cares.

Love,
Me